On Edge
by randomness6
Summary: As Yuuri is preparing for his final skate, a series of failed jumps causes his anxiety to heighten. Please read cautiously if you experience Anxiety yourself.
1. Chapter 1

**On Edge**

 **Warnings: Explicit description of anxiety and a panic attack.**

Another jump failed; another flunked.

Yuuri fell. Again. And again. And again. And again. He saw the crowd watching the group practice and in his mind everyone was staring at him wondering how a second rate skater had managed to get to the final of the Grand Prix Final – the most prestigious ice skating competition. Thoughts raced through his mind, running into another and forming an endless negative commentary.

'I can't even do the jumps during practice. I'm going to fail. I'm useless. Viktor will leave me. Why would anyone believe in me?' the thoughts pestered. He felt a lump appear in his throat. He couldn't breathe and his heart was pounding.

It felt like he was going to die.

'Fight it,' Yuuri thought, 'Remember your coping mechanisms.'

Stay present in the moment. Try not to let yourself become too involved in your thoughts. Focus on the now. Find five things you can see – ice, walls, skates, a door, and other skaters. Four things you can feel – the ice under my feet, the cold, the pain from my bruises, and the breeze as I skate. Three things I can hear – other skaters in the background, music, and yelling. Two things I can smell – the ice, and sweat. Finally, one thing I can taste – my toothpaste from earlier.

Yuuri released a small sigh. His heart had returned to normal. He was okay – at least for now.

He continued skating, cutting patterns into the ice. Ice skating was his go to passion ever since he had seen Viktor. Finally, he attempted his signature jump again – the triple axel. He skated forward, pushed off from the ice. One and a half rotations, two and a half rotations, three rotat-.

No. He couldn't get the last rotation. And it was too late to fix it! He desperately tried to correct his landing but was unable. His foot hit the ice again at the wrong angle and he lost his balance and began to fall towards the ice. The tears welled, and panic hit him as soon as he collided with the ground.

Yuuri thought, 'Just hide it for now, Yuuri. Get off the ice and get somewhere private so you can break down.'

Ignoring the other skaters, Yuuri skated to the gate. He quickly put on his skate guards and sped into the empty changing rooms. As soon as Yuuri entered the changing room, he immediately unzipped his jacket and tried to hurriedly pull it off. It was suffocating, the clothes clung to his frame. The jacket was thrown to the side.

Legs failing, he fell onto a bench. He sat hunched as he gasped for breath.

In through the nose, 2, 3, 4, 5. Out through the mouth, 2, 3, 4, 5. In. Out. No. He couldn't do it. He couldn't breathe past the lump. A headache was rapidly forming.

Again tears formed in Yuuri's eyes. Within 3 seconds they began to fall.

His entire body felt too hot, and his breathing was heavy. Yuuri was so focused on trying to stop himself hyperventilating that he was oblivious to the door opening behind him.

An accented voice came from behind him, "Oi, piggy. Don't think you can just skip practice if you want to beat me."

Yuuri hunched over quickly, trying to hide the tears from Yurio. He could hear the younger skater's footsteps circling him before stopping directly in front of him.

Yurio questioned, "Katsudon, what's wrong with you? Don't tell me you're crying over flubbing a few jumps."

Yuuri choked back the tears and, silently and subtly tried to wipe them away.

Yurio sounded slightly panicked, his voice a half octave higher, "Katsudon, look at me. What the hell is wrong?" Yurio grabbed the older man by his shoulder and forced him to sit up right.

Yuuri met his eyes. Yuuri's chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath.

Yurio asked, eyes wide, "Are…are you hurt?"

Yuuri shook his head quickly.

The Russian boy looked sceptical as he quickly turned to the door and said, "I'm going to get help."

Yuuri leapt forward, eyes wide, he grasped Yurio's hand, "No."

"You can barely breathe! We need medics. Are you trying to kill yourself?" Yurio said with a snarl.

Yuuri pulled his name counterpart towards him and together they sat back on the bench. He managed to gasp out, "I'm okay. It's…just…a panic attack."

He clasped Yurio's hand in his, trying to ensure the boy never left. "Just stay…please."

The Russian nodded and sat silently as Yuuri tried slowly regaining his breathing. To anyone passing by, the younger man would appear as unaffected by the tears of his competitor, as anyone would expect from his public persona. Not many would have noticed how the boy held the elder's hand tightly.

Finally, Yuuri managed to talk again.

"Thank you. I'm sorry if I worried you."

Yurio asked hesitantly, "Do you often get panic attacks?"

Yuuri shook his head. "No, not panic attacks. I always have anxiety but the panic attacks only happen every so often."

"Then what caused this one?"

Yuuri bit his lip as he thought. He said, "It was already heightened today because of the competition and lack of sleep. I think when I fell it finally was just too much."

Yurio asked, "You are fine now?"

Yuuri smiled, "I'm just tired; panic attacks take a lot out of you." After a pause he continued, "And my head is a bit fuzzy, it feels like I just woke up."

Yurio nodded, pulled his hand from Yuuri's, and stood, "We should get back to the rink. The main practice will be over and the first skater will be beginning."

Yuuri forced himself to stand. "I'm ready. Lets do this."

The two namesakes walked out the locker room and began to head to the rink, pausing briefly to allow Yuuri to splash his face in the bathroom. As soon as they entered the main rink, Viktor ran up to them.

Viktor said in accented English, "Thank god. JJ is finished skating, and Phichit is nearly done also. Yuuri, you are next."

Yuuri quickly moved to the rink side ready to enter. Viktor passed him a bottle of water and Yuuri took a quick sip.

Yurio and Viktor stood beside him. Viktor asked, "Are you okay?"

Yuuri nodded. At that moment, he heard the intercom activate. It announced, "Next competitor is Yuuri Katsuki representing Japan. He will be skating to an original composition entitled 'Yuri on ice'."

He pressed his forehead to Viktor's as he said, "Don't take your eyes off me."

Viktor nodded. Yuuri pulled off his skate guards and stepped onto the ice. Looking back, he gave the two Russians a determined nod.

He skated the middle of the rink and took his starting pose. As the music started he allowed himself to drift and focus entirely on creating a story with his body. The next thing he knew he was sliding to a halt to thunderous applause.

He looked to where he was pointing, Viktor smiled widely at him. Hesitantly, he skated towards his fiancé. Viktor grasped his arm, and pulled form the ice into his arms. They stood there, holding each other for a long moment before Yurio nudged into them.

"You need to go to the kiss and cry, idiots."

Blushing, Yuuri nodded. He quickly put on the skate guards that Viktor handed him and they left to get his scores.

Sitting on the bench, they closely watched the screen. The screens flickered as they were updated.

The announcer said, "The score for Yuuri Katsuki from Japan is... 221.58! This is astounding. He has broken the world record set by his coach and fiancé Viktor Nikiforov. He is currently first place."

Overwhelmed with emotion, Yuuri broke down in tears. Viktor hugged him. In his ear, he heard Viktor whisper, "I'm so proud of you. I can't wait to skate against you next season."

Yuuri looked up at him with a wide smile, and wide eyes. After sitting for several moments, they stood and moved to where the other skaters were watching the competition.

Chris and Otabek skated next. All the skaters yelled deafening encouragement to them. Then finally, it was Yurio's turn. He had already broke the world record for the short program and everyone was on the edge of their seat to see whether he could break this one just as Yuuri had.

Yurio flew across the ice. Every jump was landed perfectly. Every spin was beautiful. The only thing that anyone could beat him on was the performance component.

As Yurio finished and stepped off the ice, Viktor and Yuuri jumped to the feet and sped to just outside the kiss and cry. Their proud smiles beamed at Yurio from the side.

Yurio looked across and spotted them. He pretended to have no reaction but several people noticed a small upturn of his lips.

Eventually, all the scores were announced and the winners took their podium.

Yuuri grinned up at Yurio as he held his silver model. JJ stood across the other side. From speakers around the stadium, the Russian national anthem could be heard.

Yurio crouched down slightly in between photos and murmured, "You should tell Viktor about your anxiety. He might be able to help."

At that moment, the photographer gestured to them to all stand on the middle of the podium. As Yuuri stepped up and wrapped his arm around Yurio's waist, he quietly said, "I'll tell him after this and before the press conference."

"Good. I'm sorry if I did anything to set off a panic attack in the past."

"You never."

"I'm glad."

It was rather obvious that JJ was listening in but the two were in their own world.


	2. Chapter 2

**On Edge Chapter 2**

As soon as the medallists had finished getting their photos taken, Yuuri ran off to get changed. By the time the other skaters had entered the changing room, Yuuri was already fully dressed and on his way out. He manoeuvred around everyone as he approached Viktor.

"Viktor!" he called.

Viktor gave a heart shaped smile as he turned to his fiancé.

"Yuuri!"

"I need to talk to you about something in private."

Viktor's face immediately fell. He nodded. The two sneaked into a room just at the end of the long corridor.

Luckily, the room was empty. It appeared to be a private changing room with only a few lockers and a bench. They sat together in silence for a moment. Yuuri stared at a scuff on the floor next to his feet.

"Yuuri?" Viktor asked, "What did you need to say to me? You're not going to say you're quitting, are you?"

Yuuri immediately shook his head frantically. He quickly said, "No, of course not Viktor"

He took a deep breath before rambling, "I told you I will be continuing and I can't wait to skate with you next season. I just needed to tell you something about me and I don't want you to think that you are obligated to react a certain way. I understand if you feel uncomfortable with me telling you and I don't want to think I am weak or incapable of managing. I mean.."

Viktor interrupted, "Yuuri! Breathe."

Yuuri stopped with a deep blush emerging on his cheeks.

Viktor took his hand. "Now," he said, "I would never judge you, I love you. Just take it slow and say it."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"Since you are both my coach and engaged to me, I need to tell you something about me. I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety."

Viktor turned on the bench to face Yuuri better. Leaning forward slightly, he said, "Thank you for telling me. I promise you that this does not affect how much I love and respect you at all."

Yuuri gave a watery smile.

Viktor started again, "If you don't mind, can I ask you some questions?"

The younger skater gave a resolute nod.

Viktor said slowly, "How does it affect you?"

"Well, in general, it means that I get anxious over things people wouldn't usually. For Social Anxiety, it can be as small as having to buy something at a shop. It makes me think that the person hates me for making them do something. Whenever I meet someone, I practice the conversation in my head constantly before saying anything. Then sometimes I end up not saying anything at all."

"I couldn't imagine how difficult that must be. To constantly be on edge when talking to someone."

Yuuri gave a helpless shrug, "It makes having any relationships difficult."

Viktor gave his hand a small squeeze. He said, "And what is Generalised Anxiety Disorder?"

"Just as it sounds. It is anxiety that isn't attributed to a specific cause like phobias. It causes people to always imagine the worst. If someone is late home, you imagine they have been in a horrific accident. You sometimes doubt your memory, and wonder what if I really did leave the cooker on, even if you checked it multiple times earlier. Whenever you are home alone, you think a thief is going to break in."

As Yuuri explained, his voice began to shake.

Viktor moved slightly closer.

Yuuri continued, "Yuri knows about this too. Or, at least, he knows I have anxiety because he walked in on me having a panic attack earlier."

"Yuuri. Is there anything I can do to help when you are feeling anxious?"

Yuuri smiled, "Just do what you are doing just now. Listen, and don't judge. I know that my thoughts are irrational and only driven by mental illness but that doesn't make it feel less real."

He snuggled into Viktor's side.

Nearly 10 minutes passed before Viktor reluctantly moved. He said, "We need to head to the press conference."

Together, they walked out into the jaws of the press.

 **Author's Note:** There will likely be one more chapter. I wanted to put this one up today since it is World Mental Health Day.


	3. Chapter 3

**On Edge**

The pair walked onto the open stage and took their seats. In order, across the table, sat Yakov, Yurio, Yuuri, Viktor, JJ, and Alain and Nathalie Leroy. The moderator of the press conference stood at the side. As the skaters and coaches got comfortable, they were being blinded by camera flashes.

After several short moments, the moderator moved forward and cleared her throat loudly into the microphone.

The room quietened almost instantly.

She spoke, "Thank you all for coming. This press conference will last for approximately 1 hour, and today we have present the Grand Prix Finals medallists and their coaches. Now who would like to start us off?"

A cacophony of noise erupted in the small room. The moderator pointed to a small, bald man in the front.

He said, "My question is for Yuri Plisetsky. Were you surprised that you were able to win gold in your first senior Grand Prix?"

Yurio scoffed, "Of course not. I knew from the start that I could win."

The moderator gave a small smile as she gestured for the next question. A woman said, "JJ, it is unusual for you to have a problem with either your timing or your jumps. What happened?"

JJ gave a fake smile as he answered, "I simply had an off couple of days which came at an unfortunate time. Rest assured I will win next time. That's JJ Style."

Yuri said, "Don't count on winning, loser. You still have to skate against me, Katsudon, and the old man."

Viktor gasped, "Yurio, I'm not old!"

"Then why do you have grey hair?" asked Yurio.

"It's silver!" 

The moderator quickly interrupted as she saw Viktor begin to pout, "Any more questions for our skaters?"

A reporter quickly spoke up, "Mr Katsuki! Mr Katsuki!"

The moderator quickly spoke, "Excellent, a question from the gentleman in the front."

The man said, "I would like to congratulate Mr Katsuki on his impressive world record. However, prior to your impressive skate I noticed you appeared to have breathing problems which caused you to leave the ice."

It was evident from everyone else's faces that no one knew what he was talking about.

He continued, "My question is: is this perhaps an indicator that we should expect a retirement announcement due to medical issues?"

A loud screech echoed as Viktor's chair scraped across the stage. He scowled, "I think that is enough questions for today."

"No Viktor, wait," Yuuri said, "It's okay. Plus if I don't answer then people will assume the worst."

Reluctantly, Viktor his seat again.

Yuuri took a sip of water as he mentally prepared his statement. He cleared his throat then began to speak, "Firstly, I would like to reassure everyone that I currently have no plans to retire nor do I have any health problems which would force this."

He paused for a moment before continuing, "However, I do have a health problem which I have not previously disclosed. I suffer from an Anxiety disorder."

It was almost comical the way he saw all the reporters eyes widen collectively.

"I have suffered from severe anxiety for almost my entire life but due to the nearly universal stigma, I have avoided admitting it. It was only when my magnificent previous coach, Celestino, mentioned how good his home country was with mental illness that I realised I needed help."

At this point he sought out Celestino's eyes in the crowd as he said, "I cannot thank him enough for that. He may have saved my life by doing this."

Celestino's eyes glistened as he stared back. Yuuri continued, "He made me realise that my anxiety didn't mean that I was weak. It just meant I had to work harder to do some things that some people took for granted. Things like asking for help, or being able to get out of bed some mornings."

As silence fell following his statement, the moderator opened the floor to more questions.

A deafening echo occurred as all of the reporters yelled over each other.

"Yuuri!"

"Mr Katsuki!"

"Katsuki!"

"Over here, please!"

The moderator looked overwhelmed by the noise as she yelled, "On second thought, I think Mr Nikiforov is right. This is enough questions."

All the skaters and their coaches were quickly ushered off the stage and into a private room.

They sat silently. Yuuri gasped, "Did I really just tell everyone that! Everyone is going to think I'm pathetic."

Viktor quickly took his hand in his as he said, "No! Yuuri, that was magnificent. I am so proud of you."

Yuuri looked sceptical as he stared at the floor.

He was grabbed by Yurio. The angry Russian said, "Listen to me, Katsudon. No one will think that and if you call yourself that then I will cut you with my skates."

With a smirk he said, "In fact, why don't we test your theory and see what people are saying."

He squashed into the seat next to Yuuri. He quickly tapped his phone. The twitter logo could be seen clearly in the corner. He said, "These are the first tweets that come up when you search your name."

He began to read them out loud.

"I already thought Yuuri Katsuki was amazing and now I think out he did all that while overcoming anxiety."

"I'm sitting here in tears because if Yuuri Katsuki can achieve his dreams while suffering anxiety then I can too."

"I've needed to go see a doctor about anxiety for years but was always too embarrassed to go. Yuuri Katsuki made me realise that I wasn't weak for needing help."

"I hope Yuuri Katsuki realises that his fans will always stand by him and I hope his friends and family are giving him all the love and support he deserves."

"Yuuri Katsuki is so brave for talking about his anxiety so openly. I'm going to the doctors tomorrow for my anxiety and I hope I am even half as brave."

Yuuri looked at the phone in tears with a small smile.

Yurio finally stopped, "Everyone that knows you, knows you are incredible and none of us will let anyone talk bad about you. Not even yourself."

Yuuri looked around and noticed that all the other skaters and coaches were nodding their agreement. He dived forward, and pulled Viktor and Yurio into a hug.


End file.
